Sometimes I wait, I pause. For maybe a little too long for inspiration to find me. Or for me to find it, whichever comes first, it doesn’t matter. Sometimes I have to throw the baby out with the bathwater because the purpose it served me to begin, is not the purpose that sustains me now.
My blog was always in the back of my mind but I could not make a false move, could not write a post just because that little voice told me I was supposed to or that I was a bad girl if I didn’t. Nope, I knew better than to listen to that nonsense!
I knew I needed a genuine and truthful reason to take action- not solely a force of will to override the system. I also knew that the reason I began my initial venture- for me to become confident in sharing my unique voice with the world- was changing.
I was aware I was in a transition period but I still had no idea what would happen next, and no inspiration coming through me to write. So I waited and I watched. I didn’t know whether I would ever write again but I knew well enough to honor the time the process took and not to punish myself for it.
Low and behold after allowing myself the necessary time to process I went into a super-deep meditation one day and came out inspired to write but from a completely new place! I was inspired by a source deep within… There was no fear, just trust in the gift of what the universe was giving me.
And all of a sudden it was like a weight had been lifted. I was like a kid, experiencing the journey and enjoying the process…. In total trust. What a novelty, right? It was like knowing that mom and dad have “got it all under control” so you can just relax, and do what comes naturally, without all the pressure. This was like that, only instead of mom and dad, I was now trusting that I was being held by some large invisible source.
And OMG- To let go and allow something else to take the lead- Well, that was a relief! Because who actually knows whether or not we’re really doing life right, right?? Sooo we might as well Let Go, Relax, And ENJOY where this ride is taking us!
Okay, So, I know we’re not all ready to totally give up the hold we have our minds, or our lives (I mean, let’s be real, minds are useful for certain things!) but we can practice loosening the grip we have on those reigns, can’t we?
I fought it for a long time, I mean, it’s scary to give up control and the way I think life should go in order to trust in some unseen source. Not to mention it takes time to learn to hear what nature is asking and be able to read the signs. Then, to trust that it’s leading me in a positive direction even when it doesn’t seem that way at the time– Oy!
It is, a practice. Every day.
The notion probably sounds weird and looks crazy to most people, my own husband probably wonders WTF I do without forcing my will upon the world in order to make things happen. But there is another way…
By no means am I perfect at it- I’m like a wee babe- not a master. But it is indeed happening. And I’m super proud of myself and all the time and effort I put in to arrive here.
So here I am, ready to begin to be used for a purpose. And in this process of letting go, I get to become more free. And I realize that this is the only true thing I’ve ever really been interested in.
In my adolescent experimental years I remember having a mushroom trip with a best friend of mine… She and I had this moment where we looked at each other and knew that we had had the exact same thought, at the exact same time. Without even saying a word. In that moment we shared One Mind.
That very same trip I remember, vividly, knowing there was a heartbeat- an actual rhythm- to the universe. And that I could walk in unison with it. It was like being inside a giant womb, everything felt closer and more connected than it appeared. Even the stars were within reach.
I didn’t realize then that my life would take on the plight of clearing away all the rhetoric in my brain that came between me and this connection. And balancing on that tight rope of letting go and walking simultaneously with this beat would prove to be no easy task. But I was insistent.
To me, this what life, yoga, dance, mediation, etc. are all here to guide us back to… Knowing that there is a divine, all encompassing, loving womb, throbbing just under the surface of everything.
And if we choose, we can surrender our own agenda and walk in unison with the heartbeat of the entire universe.